LONSBERRY: Of Andy, Your Nana, And The 14th Amendment


New York has been Constitution-optional since shortly after Andy Cuomo swore in.

               And references to the old document -- written by slaveholders, we are taught, or stolen from the Iroquois -- are denounced as racist dog whistles. What sort of document can you expect from a bunch of white males who owned land and appeared to mostly be heterosexual? The Constitution, of course, is the cornerstone of institutional racism and oppression and whatever else the Democrats need you to believe in order to win the election.

               But just for the sake of discussion, let’s look at it for a second.

               Specifically, let’s look at the Fourteenth Amendment.

               And your Nana.

               And Thanksgiving.

               Let’s pretend that you love your Nana, even though you believe the bitch secretly voted by mail for Trump, and that you would like to spend Thanksgiving with her. At your house or hers, you just want to be with Nana for the holiday with her luscious breasts and thighs.

               That’s turkey breasts and thighs, Hunter.

               Problem is, Nana lives in Ohio.

               Columbus, Ohio.

               Because she’s a racist. Because anybody who would live in a place named for a colonizer has to be a racist.

               Plus, like I said, she voted for Trump.

               She lives in Ohio and you live in New York, the progressive capital of the nation.

               This is where things get dicey. New York is led by HRH Andy and he knows that the virus is death. Consequently, he has established a rubric of quarantine, a set of criteria which trigger the imposition of a two-week quarantine for anyone traveling to or from any state meeting those criteria.

               Specifically, any state with a vowel in its name.

               Including Ohio, and Pennsylvania.

               That’s relevant because your neighbor, Dickweed, with the American flag sticker on his CLIMATE DESTROYING PICK-UP TRUCK, has a Nana in Pennsylvania.

               Honestly, doesn’t he know it’s an EXISTENTIAL THREAT? Didn’t he hear Uncle Joe say so at the debate?

               Point of clarification: That’s Uncle Joe Biden, not the sainted and inspiring progressive icon Uncle Joe Stalin, though I could see how you would be confused.

               Anyway, let’s say Dickweed can come out of his MAGA haze long enough to realize it’s almost Thanksgiving and, feeling the pangs of his inbred family connections, want to get together with his Nana for the holiday.

               You can tell his Nana, she’s the one chewing tobacco.

               Well, it turns out Pennsylvania, like Ohio, falls statistically within the bounds of HRH Asswipe’s quarantine. Down in Pennsylvania, the Keystone State, they’ve got just as much covid as they do in Ohio, the Home of Presidents – all of whom were Republican, by the way, which is why those frigging racists have a city named after a colonizer who wore tights.

               Ok, sorry, the tights are fine, it’s the genocide that pisses people off.

               But back to Thanksgiving.

               With the quarantine criteria, it would seem that neither you nor Dickweed can spend Thanksgiving with Nana unless your or she – or he or she – are ready to spend two weeks in quarantine.

               That’s how it would seem.

               But, that’s not how it is.

               Because HRH Uberfuhrer has affixed an asterisk to his royal decree. And that is that, if a quarantine state physically borders New York, the criteria get winked at and the mandatory quarantine becomes an officially discouraged.

               You can go, and you don’t have to quarantine, but it’s officially discouraged.

               Unless it’s this weekend and you’re a Democrat and you’re one of the thousands of New York progressives spending Saturday through Tuesday knocking on doors in Pennsylvania imploring people to vote for Joe Biden, who is from Scranton, which is the anatomical term for the small – in your case – sack that contains the testicles.

               Anyway, there’s no covid this weekend, and there’s no chance these thousands of Democrats who have gone KNOCKING ON THE DOORS OF HUNDREDS OF STRANGERS IN A HIGH-COVID ZONE will bring any of the virus back to New York.

               But back to Nana.

               Under HRH Hemorrhoid’s edict, without quarantining, you can’t have Thanksgiving with your Ohio Nana, but Dickweed can have Thanksgiving with his Pennsylvania Nana.

               And he’ll probably end up with a boatload of fireworks!

               But back to the Fourteenth Amendment.

               You and Dickweed are both New Yorkers, though HRH Intolerant is making great progress chasing Dickweed’s kind out of the state. You are both New Yorkers and you are both subject to gubernatorial regulation. Your loved ones are in states which have both triggered mandatory quarantine because of their covid levels. Your circumstance relative to statute, regulation and executive order is the same.

               But Dickweed doesn’t have to follow that quarantine, while you do.

               Be sure and read to the end of this: “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”

               Repeating for emphasis: “Nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”

               That means they have to deal to us all out of the same deck of cards. We all must play by the same rules.

               But Andy doesn’t. As you and your Nana prove.

               And this may seem a small example. But principle is principle, and freedom is freedom.

               And it doesn’t live around here.